As We Go On...

As of last Saturday, I am officially a college graduate!

It seems so weird that this huge chapter in my life could come to an end so abruptly. I can't really remember a time that I wasn't in school. All of a sudden, my life is no longer my education, but it's using that education. What will that look like? What will my life be like without classes and extracurriculars. I walked the stage, packed the apartment, moved my life back home, but i still feel like I will be going back to Tulsa in the fall. The last month seemed to whirl by, and it doesn't seem fair that it's already over.

So what do I take from this experience? What have I gained from my 17 years of education? I have gained myself. Through all of the ups and downs of school, I have found the person that I truly am, and the passions that lie deep within me. God has created me with a purpose in mind. I can see glimpses of that purpose. My love for faith and searching. My love for God's children and youth. All of these passions pulsate throughout my body and guide my every move.

I have been home for 5 days now. I grew up in this house, but for some reason, I feel like an outsider. Everything in my room remains the same, but the life that runs throughout has aged. I have aged. I have been away for 4 years, living my life in a room that is not my house. My freshman year I swore up and down that Tulsa was where I went to school, but it was not my home. I would always love Dallas more. Throughout college, I have learned to love them both. Dallas will always be the place where I grew up from a girl to a budding high schooler, but Tulsa is where I learned to be me. I learned independence and life values. I learned what meant the most to me, not just what was important in the home I grew up in. Tulsa was my ground to discover who I was without someone always looking over my shoulder or checking up on me. My independence was learned in Dallas, but held no merit until i learned to use it in Tulsa. And now, after 4 years, I have left Tulsa for good. Sure, I will come back for visits, but it is no longer a place I can claim as home.

The thing I miss the most is my Tulsa family. As college students, we leave our families in search of ourselves. We claim our independence, and run off to see the world alone, but we are never alone. At Tulsa, I found a family. I found a group of wonderfully fantastic people that love me for who I am and see me for the wonderful person that I can be. They were with me through some of the hardest times in my life, and stuck by me when I was acting less than perfect. There are no words to truly describe the impact these people have made in my life. The hardest part is leaving. Knowing that we are all spinning in a million different directions. Who knows what will become of the friendships I made in college, and that truly sucks. These people in my life really matter, and to know that our friendships will have to meet the test of distance is crushing. I don't mean this to be depressing or morbid, but it's true. How many people do you hear talk about their college friends and say 'I wonder what their up to these days." It's an undeniable truth that some of these friendships will wither away, but I am curious to see which ones will stick.

These are times I will never forget, but they are gone now. It's time to take the next step and see where my future will take me next. My past will forever be my present because it has shaped the person I am today.

The human mind may devise many plans, but it is the purpose of the lord that will be established. - Proverbs 19:21

When it's God time, It's go time!

Today is my last day of classes. Everything is coming to a close as graduation nears. Last Kappa formal, last Kappa meeting, last day of band, last days at work. This chapter is coming to a close. So what have I learned?

I have learned that my time with God is irreplaceable. My whole life I have compartmentalized my faith in order to accomplish other things. As I leave college and go into my year of service, it is evident to me that my mission is to learn how to incorporate God into each act of my life. His is my whole being, so why do I let myself push Him out. It's time to take this step in my relationship with my God.

Speaking at Gateway, our campus worship service. I spoke about my love for faith. Before college, I found my faith to be a part of my life, but through my college experience I have seen by faith become my life. I am in love with God and strive to deepen that love and that faith. As I take this next step I leave a lot behind. I am moving to a place where I know practically no one, so that I may know Christ more deeply.

Through affirmations, I was told by a good friend that I may compartmentalize God, but 'When it's God time, it's go time!' I love this! My prayer for my year is to make all time God time, so that every aspect of my life can center around my deepest desire, to know and love God.

I'm nervous. That's obvious, but the nerves are what make it so exciting! I love the challenge, I love the adventure! Who knows what this year will hold and the surprises that may unfold, but I know that good or bad, every day will be a blessing from God. It is my hope that each day I can be a blessing of God to the city of New Orleans.

"God expects us to serve Him on His terms- not ours... Jesus was requiring an absolute surrender. To be a disciple meas forsaking everything to follow Jesus, unconditionally, putting our lives completely in His hands. When we say that we want to be His disciple, yet attach a list of conditions, Jesus refuses to accept our terms. His terms involve unconditional surrender." -Commentary on Luke 9:57-62 from 'A Hole in Our Gospel' by Richard Sterns, President of World Vision USA

Grace

This week I was once again reminded of the goodness of God.

My dad has been going through a rough time with employment and has had to make some major changes in order to survive. It has really been weighing heavy on my heart, and it seemed that the more I prayed, the worse it became. I just couldn't pray hard enough.

At church on Sunday something told me that I needed to share this burden with my faith community, so during the prayers and concerns, I stood up and asked the congregation to pray for my dad. Later in the service, a woman sitting behind me handed me some money and asked to pray for my dad by name. This overwhelmed me. She had been visiting our church that Sunday and didn't even know my name, but gave out of her heart to help my family.

Later that day, I received a call from one of our church pastors. He had been approached by a member of the congregation that wanted to help my dad out in whatever way they could. Hearing this message, the only thing I could do was to praise God for how lucky I am to have such a supportive community surrounding me. The whole week I have felt wrapped in His love. I shared all of this with my dad so that he would know of the prayers being said on his behalf. To know the love that surrounds us is to truly recognize the grace that God has given us.


Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:4-5

Dream Interpretation #2

So, I usually dream very realistically, but here's another one that threw me for a loop:

I don't remember the whole dream, but here's what I do remember- I was in the presence of a very large and very old elephant who was on the verge of death. I went to sleep and the next morning we expected him to be dead, but instead, his mate had died and he had stayed up the whole night making some sort of cover for her our of beads. It was very intricate and hard work for such an elderly animal.

I don't know how to make sense of this, but here is what I learned about dreaming of elephants:

Elephant

To see an elephant in your dream, indicates that you need to be more patient or more understanding of others. Or perhaps there is a memory that you are holding on to for too long. You need to let go of the past. The elephant is also a symbol of power, strength, faithfulness and intellect. Alternatively, the elephant's introverted personality may be a reflection of your own personality.

To dream that you are riding an elephant, indicates that you are in control of your unconscious and aspects that you once were afraid of.

I'm not sure where the rest of the dream comes into play, but this did calm me a little. I do tend to hold onto things that I should let go of, and hopefully I will be able to overcome and move past the fears I have.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.-John 14:27

Dream Interpretation

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant... I was really weirded out by this, so I looked it up on a dream interpretation website. This is what it said:

Pregnant

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

This now makes so much more sense! A new direction and a new chapter in my life!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
-2 Corinthians 5:17

New Orleans, here I come!

Everything leading up to this point has been a mystery journey to an unknown location. There are still the unknowns of the next year, but one thing I do know is that my life will change. I love being able to say that I'm officially going to New Orleans! I can't wait to experience the life of this city and everything it has to give. It amazes me that these people live in a city completely destroyed by Katrina, but continues to be a power house of music and spirit. I look at pictures of the devastation that still exists, and I'm floored at the resiliency of the people to rebuild in the most positive way possible. I know that I will be blessed by this city every day throughout my year there. I only hope that I can be as much of a blessing.

All of the people I met over the past weekend have totally enriched my life. The community of support I found within the arms of complete strangers reminds me of the love that God has. To go into this place is to truly experience heaven on earth. The laughs I experienced and the tears I cried have left me yearning for more. August couldn't come sooner! Up to this point YAV has been a plan. It was a direction I decided to take in my life toward my future, but after this weekend, YAV has become a way of life. If we had this love for complete strangers all of the time, this world would be and unstoppable force of God! The comfort I felt being hugged by people I had met just hours before cannot be described in words. These people didn't know where I had come from or what my life had been like in the weeks prior; they just loved me.

Everything is moving faster now. The days leading up to that letter seemed like months, but now everything is happening so fast. Soon I will be mailing in paperwork and interviewing with possible placements. It seemed like years away not too long ago, but in only 40 day I will graduate from college and begin a whole new chapter in my life. Only weeks after that I will experience another incredible weekend of Pathways and a whole summer serving God's children at camp. YAV orientation will be here sooner that I know it!

"Before a word is on my tongue, you know me completely, O Lord." Psalm 139: 4

This Psalm was shared with me in two completely different circumstances, and I feel that it was given to me as a gift from God. God knows me completely and has known me since creation. There is nowhere I can run to escape His love, and even in my darkest times, He will be by my side as my rock. Even when I am fallen and bruised, he guides me on my path. There is no step I take that He has not already seen. He is the ever present figure in my past, present, and future.

So no matter where God takes me in the next year, or even in the next weeks, I will hold strong to the knowledge that my challenges are commissioned by my Father, and the one who knows me wholly.

Everything is about to change.