After a completely amazing summer of serving God with an amazing staff at Camp Gilmont, my world was turned upside down. Nothing could possibly prepare me for the last 11 days of my life. Everything seems like a blur. Even with the outpouring of love my brother and I have received, I feel numb and empty. How do you even start to move on? People ask how I am, but what good is that? I know they are trying to be comforting, but it’s just such a horrible question to answer because no matter what, it doesn’t change/help anything. I’m still here in the same situation. Neither party is satisfied with the answer. I would love say ‘good’ but that would be a lie, but I can’t say bad because that is a lie too. I am my mother’s daughter. I am strong, and not the fake kind of strong that I put up to look ok. I take my example from the best. I cannot find the silver lining yet, but I know it’s there somewhere; nothing about my mom lacked that sparkle.
Not that I didn’t know if before, but I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. It has meant the world to me to have such an outreach from all over. I may not have responded to all of the outpouring, but I definitely felt it.
As I get ready to go off to a city I don’t know to live and work with people I have yet to meet, I know that I go broken, but I know that God has a funny way of putting exactly where he needs us at exactly the right time. This year will be special, but not for the reasons I signed up for. God had a different purpose in mind. Being the strong (and sometimes stubborn) individual I am, I know I will struggle to find the balance between dealing with my anguish and hiding it, and I will have to learn to accept love from unlikely places. I have a sense that God has something planned this year that I cannot even dream of (He’s tricksy like that…).
But how to prepare? How do I get ready not only for the year ahead of me for YAV but also for the process that lies ahead of me to deal with this pain? Am I even in a state to help other people? I know that there are no real answers to these questions. I know God is doing something. He’s always doing something. This is never the end of it all.
So where do I go from here? Well…
4223 or 4225 Franklin Ave.
New Orleans, LA 70122
That’s where! My new home away from home in New Orleans. Everyone has been asking me for the address and this seemed like the best way to get it out.
Nothing about me wants to sit alone and feel sorry for myself. So it’s almost time to pick myself up, and smile because nothing makes you feel better than a true smile on your face.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” Psalm 139:7
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteYou will love the blue house!!! I can't wait to give you a big hug and welcome you to NOLA!
Much Love,
Ellen
God is tricksy like filthy little hobbitses!
ReplyDeleteAm I even in a state to help other people? - The teacher always learns more than the student, and helping others has always helped me.
Love, Moody
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteYou look like her and you have her strong will. I wanted to speak to you at the memorial but you were surrounded by loved ones. Your mother gave me the best advice I have ever received at a critical time in my life. She told me to "follow my heart". I know she wants you to follow your heart too. With a new place and new experiences every day, and time.... alot of time, your broken heart will start to heal. God DOES have great plans for you and you will answer his call. God's Peace. Peggy
Dear Lauren, as hard as we all try, nothing we say can lessen the pain of losing your mom. From the day I met you when you were about 14, I was so touched by the relationship the two of you shared; not just a mom and daughter relationship, but a mutual respect and an obvious friendship. I never saw the two of you together that you weren't smiling... beaming, actually... and usually at each other. I often thought what an amazing mom she was. Wherever you go, anyone you teach and come in contact with will be blessed... just as we were all blessed to have Glenda in our lives (for all too short a time). The pain you feel now will eventually become less as you replace the tears with happy memories... it will take a while, Lauren, but I know from experience that it will happen. I know it doesn't help a lot right now and that you've heard it over and over and over the past several bays, but there truly are so many people who care about you and Stuart. We are here if we can help you in any way. Please keep in touch, and call on me any time I can help. You are both in my prayers. Love, Martha
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